Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
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