If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
