I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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