Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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