somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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