So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
