She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Let's get the cat blown out
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
