You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
