just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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