apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
