I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
