pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
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