He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
