we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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