Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
