we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
