i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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