i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
