if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Randomize
