i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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