im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
