one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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