my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
