no, he came in my armpit
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
