I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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