I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Randomize
