The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
