I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
