someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
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