if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize