We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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