do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
