youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Randomize
