I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
