I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
