The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
