And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
