So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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