Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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