you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
