i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Randomize
