I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize