I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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