saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
We need to rekindle our bromance
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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