I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize