Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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