The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
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