Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
