it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Randomize
