dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Randomize
