she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
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