in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
