So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Randomize
