I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
