So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
whose ass print is on the piano?
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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