maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
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