I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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