the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
So much Jack, so little girl.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
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