Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
no you cant smoke seaweed
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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