You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
You took a bar mat shot.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
