When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
