I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
