The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
