I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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