Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
We have started to decorate penises.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
