Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
