You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
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