Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
